Mate: Become the Man Women Want

What Mate is and who wrote it

Mate: Become the Man Women Want is a 2015 dating guide for heterosexual men by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller, written with Nils Parker. A 2016 paperback carries the title What Women Want. The pairing is unusual. Tucker Max became famous in the 2000s for comic, crude stories about drinking and casual sex. Geoffrey Miller is an evolutionary psychologist at the University of New Mexico and the author of The Mating Mind, which argues that sexual choice shaped much of the human mind. Before the book, the two ran a podcast called The Mating Grounds.

Their claim is that most young men were never taught how dating works, and that most dating advice starts from the wrong side. It asks what men want and how to get it. Mate asks what women want, and why. The authors reject pickup tricks and manipulation. They also reject moralizing. Their aim is what they call a win-win approach: relationships where both people come out ahead.

They set out five principles:

• Make decisions based on science, not folklore.
• Account for the woman's perspective.
• Own your attractiveness: it is your job to improve it.
• Be honest with yourself and with women.
• Play win-win, not a battle of the sexes.

The book then follows a five-step plan, one part each:

1. Get your head straight.
2. Develop attractive traits.
3. Display attractive proofs.
4. Go where the women are.
5. Take action.

Get your head straight: confidence and her side of dating

The first part fixes a man's thinking before it changes his behavior. The authors define confidence as a realistic expectation of success, based on real skill and real risk. So a man cannot fake it for long. He builds it by getting better at things, with a growth mindset that treats skill as learnable.

Next comes the woman's perspective. The authors argue that men badly underrate what dating costs women. A man's main fear is rejection. A woman's fears include assault and physical harm, unwanted pregnancy, disease, damage to her reputation, and years lost to a man who will not commit. Much of what men read as coldness, testing or mixed signals is caution. A woman may be interested and afraid at the same time. A man who sees this can lower her fear instead of raising it: meet in public, respect her signals, and never pressure her.

The authors place this in evolutionary terms. Through sexual selection, the preferences that helped ancestral women choose good partners were passed down. Because pregnancy and child care cost women far more than men, women evolved to be choosier. The authors present this as a way to understand preferences, not an excuse for bad behavior.

They describe four strategies males use across the animal kingdom to get mates: force, trickery, bribery and honest mating effort. Force is abhorrent and criminal. Trickery is what much pickup teaches. Bribery treats sex as a purchase. Honest mating effort, becoming a better partner and showing it truthfully, is the only strategy the book endorses.

They also ask men to be clear about their mating strategy: short-term, medium-term or long-term. Each has different costs and needs different traits. A man who wants casual sex should not pretend to want commitment, and a man who wants a wife should not act like a player.

What women look for

The authors argue that a woman judging a man is, in effect, asking three questions:

• Does he have good genes?
• Would he be a good partner?
• Would he be a good dad?

Different women weigh these differently, and the same woman weighs them differently for a fling than for a marriage. But all three come down to whether a man is effective at life: in his health, family, friendships, work, play and knowledge.

A key point is that women are risk-averse in mate choice. A bad trait hurts a man more than a great trait helps him. So the authors advise men to get out of the bottom 10 percent in every area before trying to reach the top 1 percent in one. A man who is a brilliant guitarist but never showers loses to a man who is average at most things and bad at none.

Develop attractive traits

Part two covers the traits women value. The authors stress that each one improves a man's life whether or not he is dating.

• Physical health: sleep, diet and exercise. They favor strength training and argue that fitness signals both good genes and self-discipline.
• Mental health: happiness, resilience, humor, openness and adaptability. They urge men to stop complaining, to try gratitude and meditation, and to see a therapist when needed. Few men work on this, they note, and it shows.
• Intelligence: curiosity, creativity, humor and storytelling. Intelligence must be shown, not announced. Reading widely and learning to tell a good story count for more than quoting your test scores.
• Willpower: self-control and conscientiousness, which tell a woman he will be reliable. The authors frame willpower as being kind to the man you want to become.
• Tenderness, as the tender-defender: a man who is kind and warm toward people who need care, and firm and protective toward threats. The authors warn against both extremes: the doormat who cannot stand up for anyone, and the jerk who is aggressive with everyone. To build tenderness, they suggest caring for animals, babysitting, mentoring or volunteering.

Display attractive proofs

Having traits is not enough. A woman meets a man briefly and has to judge fast, so she reads signals. The authors call these signals proofs, and their rule is show, don't tell. Signals that cost real time, effort or skill are trusted most, because they are hard to fake. This idea runs through Miller's research.

They describe four kinds:

• Social proof: evidence that other people value him. Good male and female friends show that he can sustain relationships and adds value to people's lives. Women also notice when other women like a man, an effect the authors call mate copying.
• Material proof: money and resources. The authors treat money as useful but overrated. They compare a lottery winner with a founder who built a smaller fortune and argue that women prefer the founder, because his money proves traits. Flashy spending often signals insecurity.
• Aesthetic proof: grooming, clothes, home and car. A clean, cared-for apartment and clothes that fit signal intelligence and conscientiousness. The advice is mostly about removing errors, such as bad breath, a dirty bathroom or worn-out shoes.
• Romantic proof: signs that he can love and commit, such as close attention to her, thoughtful gifts and gradual steps toward commitment. The authors call this the most important proof for long-term dating.

Go where the women are

The fourth part applies economics. The authors describe dating as a set of local mating markets with supply and demand. A man's options depend on which market he is in, not only on himself.

They list features of a good market: many single women of the age and type he prefers, a low operational sex ratio (fewer single men than single women), a local culture that suits his goal, short-term or long-term, and a place where his traits and proofs are valued. A bookish man with average looks may struggle in a loud bar and do well at a writing class or in a college town.

They argue that bars and clubs are poor markets for most men. Noise, alcohol and crowds of competing men work against him. Better options include building a social life that brings him into contact with women, joining classes and clubs, and using online dating with clear filters.

Take action

The final part covers conversation, flirting, dates, sex and relationships. The advice follows the earlier principles:

• Skip pickup lines. Act like a good host: introduce yourself, ask real questions and help her enjoy the talk.
• Treat flirting as play, a way to share humor and test chemistry.
• State your intentions honestly. A man who wants something casual can say so respectfully. A man who wants a relationship can say so early.
• On first dates, the authors advise the man to pay.
• On sex, they stress clear consent, attention to her comfort, and less ego. Do not treat her orgasm as a test of your virility.

They also give simple tests for ethical choices. Would you be fine if everyone knew what you did? Would an audience see you as the hero or the villain? Would you be ashamed if a video of it went online? The authors argue that honest behavior is also practical. A woman who feels safe and respected is more likely to come back.

What the critics say

Critics of evolutionary psychology argue that it often explains present behavior with stories about the past that are hard to test, and the book states contested claims about sex differences with more confidence than the research supports. Some readers find the market framing of dating cold. Others say the book leans toward a provider role and suits men seeking relationships more than men seeking casual sex. Others note the irony of Tucker Max, known for crude accounts of casual sex, co-writing a guide built on respect for women, and the book does not dwell on that change.

Who should read it

Young heterosexual men who feel lost in dating, and who want an explanation instead of a set of tricks, will get the most from Mate. Men seeking a committed relationship will find it more useful than men seeking casual sex.