How to Win Friends and Influence People

A course in human relations

Dale Carnegie taught public speaking and human relations classes for adults in New York. He found that his students needed more than speaking skills. They needed to get along with people at work and at home. He could not find a practical book on the subject, so he wrote one. It first came out in 1936. A revised edition from 1981, edited by his family, is the version most people read today. It removed some dated sections from the original, such as a part on letters and a part on home life.

The book has four parts. Each part lists short principles, and each principle comes with stories about business owners, salespeople, politicians, and Carnegie's own students. The core idea under all of them is simple. People are driven by emotion, pride, and the desire to feel important. If you work with these facts instead of against them, people cooperate with you.

Carnegie opens with advice on how to use the book. Read each chapter twice. Stop often to ask how you can apply it. Review it every month. Keep a record of when you used a principle and what happened. The book is meant to be practiced, not just read.

Part One: fundamental techniques in handling people

The first part gives three principles.

1. Don't criticize, condemn, or complain. Carnegie argues that criticism is futile. It puts people on the defensive and makes them justify themselves. He notes that even notorious criminals, such as the gunman "Two Gun" Crowley and Al Capone, saw themselves as innocent or misunderstood. If they did not blame themselves, ordinary people will not either. He tells how Abraham Lincoln, angry that General Meade let Lee's army escape after Gettysburg, wrote him a sharp letter. Lincoln never sent it. It was found among his papers after his death.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Carnegie says the deepest human urge is the desire to be important. People crave appreciation. He cites Charles Schwab, whom Andrew Carnegie paid a very large salary, largely for his skill with people. Schwab said that his greatest asset was his ability to arouse enthusiasm through appreciation and encouragement, and that he never criticized anyone. Carnegie is clear that appreciation is not flattery. Flattery is insincere and selfish. Appreciation is sincere and specific.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. You get people to act by talking about what they want, not what you want. Carnegie uses a fishing image: he likes strawberries and cream, but when he goes fishing, he baits the hook with worms, because that is what the fish want. Before you ask someone to do something, ask yourself how you can make them want to do it.

Carnegie supports this with a view he attributes to Henry Ford: success depends on the ability to see things from the other person's angle as well as your own. He applies it to a father whose young son will not eat and to his own dispute with a hotel manager who wanted to sharply raise the rent for a ballroom Carnegie used for his lectures. In each case, the request works once it is framed in terms of the other person's interests.

Part Two: six ways to make people like you

1. Become genuinely interested in other people. Carnegie points out that a dog makes friends without trying, simply by being glad to see you. People are interested mostly in themselves. When you show real interest in them, they respond. He notes that Theodore Roosevelt, on a visit to the White House after his presidency, greeted the old staff by name, down to the kitchen maid.

2. Smile. A smile signals that you are glad to see someone. Carnegie says this works even on the phone, because people can hear it in your voice.

3. Remember a person's name. People value their own name above almost any other word. Carnegie tells of Jim Farley, a political organizer who reportedly could call tens of thousands of people by their first names and who helped elect Franklin Roosevelt. He also tells how Andrew Carnegie, when he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad, named his new steel mill after the railroad's president, J. Edgar Thomson.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. At a dinner party, Carnegie met a botanist and listened to him talk about plants for hours. Carnegie said very little. At the end of the evening, the botanist told the host that Carnegie was a most interesting conversationalist. Listening made him interesting.

5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests. Theodore Roosevelt, before meeting a visitor, would read about the subject the visitor cared about. Carnegie also tells a story from the writer William Lyon Phelps. As a boy, Phelps met a man who talked with him about boats all evening. His aunt later explained that the man had no special interest in boats. He talked about them because the boy did.

6. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely. Carnegie stood in line at a post office with a bored clerk. He decided to find something he could honestly admire about the man. He told the clerk that he wished he had his head of hair. The clerk brightened. Carnegie wanted nothing from him. He only wanted to leave the man a little happier.

Part Three: how to win people to your way of thinking

The third part has twelve principles. The first sets the tone: the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Carnegie tells of a banquet at which a man claimed that a quotation came from the Bible. Carnegie knew it came from Shakespeare and said so. His friend Frank Gammond, a Shakespeare expert, kicked him under the table and said the man was right. On the way home, Gammond explained: why prove a man wrong at a party? Even if you win an argument, the other person resents you and does not change their mind.

The other principles build on this:

• Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong." Carnegie cites Benjamin Franklin, who as a young man was tactless. Franklin trained himself to avoid direct contradiction and to use softer phrases such as "I imagine" or "it appears to me."
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Carnegie walked his dog, Rex, in a park without a leash or muzzle. When a policeman caught him, Carnegie criticized himself before the officer could. The officer softened and let him go.
• Begin in a friendly way.
• Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately. Carnegie links this to the method of Socrates: ask questions the other person must agree with, and build toward your point.
• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.
• Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
• Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
• Appeal to the nobler motives. People like to see themselves as fair and honest. Speak to that self-image.
• Dramatize your ideas. Show, do not just tell.
• Throw down a challenge. People respond to a chance to compete and prove their worth.

Part Four: be a leader

The last part shows how to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment. It has nine principles:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Charles Schwab once found workers smoking under a "No Smoking" sign. He did not point at the sign. He handed each man a cigar and said he would appreciate it if they smoked them outside. Carnegie also suggests replacing "but" with "and" when you follow praise with a correction, so the praise does not sound like a setup.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise," a phrase Carnegie borrows from Schwab.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you treat someone as capable and honest, they often try to deserve it.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

What the critics say

Some readers see the book as a manual for manipulation: be nice to people so they do what you want. Carnegie anticipates this and insists throughout that the techniques work only when they are sincere, but the line between sincere appreciation and strategic charm is not always clear in his examples. The evidence is anecdotal, and many of the stories are dated.

Who should read it

Read it if you manage people, sell anything, or simply want fewer conflicts at work and at home. The principles are short enough to keep on a card, and the real value comes from practicing one at a time.