Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

Two planets, one relationship

John Gray is an American relationship counselor and author. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) became one of the best-selling nonfiction books of the 1990s and spawned a series of follow-up books, seminars and products. Its title phrase entered everyday speech.

The book is built on a metaphor. Long ago, Gray says, Martians and Venusians discovered each other and fell in love. They moved to Earth together. There they forgot that they came from different planets, and they began to expect each other to think and feel the same way. Conflict followed.

Gray's claim is that men and women differ in how they communicate, how they handle stress and what they need to feel loved. Most relationship problems, he says, come from not knowing these differences. Partners treat each other the way they would want to be treated, and that is often wrong for the other person. If each partner learns the other's language, they can stop taking ordinary differences personally.

Martians, in Gray's picture, value power, competence, efficiency and achievement. They define themselves by results and take pride in doing things on their own. Venusians value love, communication, beauty and relationships. They define themselves by their feelings and the quality of their connections. Gray says these are general tendencies and that individuals vary, but he writes as though they apply to most men and women.

Mr. Fix-It, the Home-Improvement Committee and the cave

Gray's first practical point concerns advice. When a woman talks about a problem, a man tends to offer solutions. He sees this as a way to help and to show competence. Gray calls him Mr. Fix-It. But the woman often wants to be heard, not fixed. When he jumps in with solutions, she feels dismissed.

The reverse also happens. Women, Gray says, show love by offering help and advice to improve things. He calls this the Home-Improvement Committee. A man hears unsolicited advice as a sign that she does not trust him to handle things. He feels criticized and resists.

The fix is for each side to hold back its instinct. A man can listen and ask questions without offering a solution. A woman can let a man solve his own problems unless he asks for help.

The book's best-known image is the cave. When a man is stressed, Gray says, he withdraws into his cave. He goes quiet, focuses on the problem or distracts himself with the news, television or sport. He does not want to talk until he has a solution. When he feels better, he comes out.

Women, Gray says, cope with stress by talking. Talking about problems, even without solving them, helps them feel better and closer to others.

These styles collide. A woman sees a man go silent and fears he no longer cares. She tries to draw him out, which pushes him further in. A man hears a woman talk at length about her problems and assumes she wants him to fix them, or that she blames him. Gray's advice is for women to let men have their cave time without taking it personally, and for men to reassure their partners that they will come back, and to listen when women need to talk. He tells women not to follow a man into his cave or wait outside it. Instead, she can do something she enjoys, such as seeing a friend or reading, until he comes out.

Different needs, different languages

Gray argues that men are motivated when they feel needed, and women are motivated when they feel cherished. A man who feels his partner appreciates and trusts him wants to give more. A woman who feels cared for and understood wants to give more.

He lists twelve kinds of love, six for each partner. Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Men primarily need trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. Gray says each partner tends to give what they themselves need, so the other feels unsupported. A woman may give a man caring and understanding, which feels to him like being managed. A man may give a woman trust and acceptance, which feels to her like being ignored.

Gray says the two sexes use the same words with different meanings. Women often use expressive language: generalizations and strong words that convey feelings. When a woman says "we never go out," she means she wants more time together. A man hears a factual claim, corrects it and starts an argument. Gray provides a phrasebook that translates common statements. In his translations, "you never listen to me" means "I feel unheard right now, and I want your attention." A man who answers the literal words, by listing times he did listen, misses the request.

Men's silence is also misread. A man who goes quiet is usually thinking, not rejecting. Gray suggests that men say a few words before withdrawing, such as that they need time to think, so their partners do not worry.

Rubber bands and waves

Gray uses two more images to describe how closeness changes over time.

• Men are like rubber bands. A man feels close, then needs to pull away to restore his sense of independence. Once he has stretched to his limit, he springs back with renewed desire. Gray says this cycle is natural. A woman who chases him or punishes him for pulling away disrupts it.
• Women are like waves. A woman's mood and self-esteem rise and fall. When the wave crests, she feels loving and full. When it crashes, she feels empty and needs to be heard. Gray tells men not to try to fix her mood or argue her out of it. He says the bottom of the wave is when she most needs his support, and that the wave will rise again.

Avoiding arguments and communicating difficult feelings

Gray argues that couples rarely fight about what they think they are fighting about. The hurt comes from how something is said. A man may sound condescending when he argues that he is right. A woman may sound disapproving when she expresses frustration. Each then defends against the tone, not the content.

He describes four unhealthy ways people try to avoid the pain of arguments: fight, flight, fake and fold. Instead, he suggests taking a time-out when tempers rise and coming back to apologize and listen.

For feelings that are too strong to say calmly, Gray offers the Love Letter Technique. You write a letter to your partner that moves through anger, sadness, fear, regret and finally love. Writing out the hard feelings first lets the loving feelings come through. Gray also suggests a response letter, describing what you would like your partner to say back.

Scoring points and asking for support

Gray says the sexes keep score differently. A man thinks a big gesture, such as a vacation, scores many points with his partner. A woman, Gray says, gives one point for each act of love, no matter its size. So a flower, a call during the day or remembering a small detail each counts as much as a large gift. He lists over a hundred small ways for men to score points.

He also teaches women how to ask for support. He says many women hint instead of asking, or ask with resentment. He suggests asking directly and briefly, and using "would you" rather than "could you," because a man hears "could you" as a question about his ability. A man should be allowed to say no, and a woman should appreciate him when he says yes. Gray suggests building the habit in steps: first ask for small things the man already does and thank him, then ask for more, even when he might say no.

The book ends with advice on keeping love alive. Gray compares a relationship to the seasons. In spring, love feels effortless. In summer, partners see each other's flaws and must work at the relationship. In fall, they enjoy the results of that work. In winter, old hurts and hard feelings surface, and each partner has to face them. Gray argues that couples who keep practicing the skills in the book can move through the cold seasons without losing each other.

What the critics say

Psychologists and linguists criticize the book for exaggerating sex differences. Research reviews, such as Janet Hyde's work on the gender similarities hypothesis, find that men and women are similar on most psychological traits, with large overlap even where averages differ. A 2013 study by Bobbi Carothers and Harry Reis found that most measured differences fall on a continuum rather than into two distinct types. Critics also say the book relies on stereotypes, assumes heterosexual couples and offers no research of its own. Gray's doctorate came from Columbia Pacific University, an unaccredited correspondence school that California later ordered to close. Many readers still say the book gave them useful words for recurring misunderstandings.

Who should read it

Read it if you and your partner keep having the same misunderstandings and want simple images to talk about them. Treat the gender claims as rough generalizations, not science, and apply the tools to whichever partner they fit.