How to Talk to Anyone

Small tricks, big impressions

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes is a practical guide to conversation and first impressions. It came out in 2003 as a revised version of her earlier book Talking the Winner's Way. Lowndes is a communication coach and speaker. She noticed that some people walk into a room and seem to connect with everyone, and she wanted to know what they do differently.

Her answer is that they use many small habits, most of them unconscious. She breaks these habits into 92 tricks, each with a short, memorable name. The tricks are grouped into nine parts. Each trick gets a few pages: a story, the reasoning behind it, and a one-line instruction. The idea is that you do not need to change your personality. You need a set of tools you can use one at a time.

The common thread is that people care most about themselves. If you make them feel noticed and important, they will like you and remember you.

Part 1: Intrigue without saying a word

Lowndes starts with body language, because people judge you before you speak.

• The flooding smile. Do not smile instantly at everyone. Look at the person's face for a second, then let a big, warm smile flood your face and eyes. The delay makes the smile feel personal.
• Sticky eyes. Keep your eyes on the other person a beat longer than feels natural, even after they stop speaking. Then pull away slowly.
• Epoxy eyes. In a group, keep watching the person you want to impress even while someone else talks. Use it carefully, since it signals strong interest.
• Hang by your teeth. Stand tall, as if you hang from a bar by your teeth. Good posture signals confidence.
• The big-baby pivot. When you meet someone, turn your whole body toward them, the way you would turn to a baby. It shows they have your full attention.
• Hello, old friend. Imagine the new person is an old friend. Your face and body will relax and warm up on their own.
• Limit the fidget. Keep your hands away from your face and stop fidgeting. Nervous movements look like dishonesty.

Part 2: What to say after "Hi"

This part tackles small talk. Lowndes says the words matter less than the mood. Match the other person's energy first.

• Always wear a Whatzit. Wear or carry something unusual, such as an interesting pin, so people have an easy way to start a conversation.
• Eavesdrop in. At a party, listen to a nearby group and join in on a topic you overheard, politely.
• Never the naked city, never the naked job. When someone asks where you are from or what you do, do not give a bare answer. Add an interesting detail that gives them something to ask about.
• Never the naked introduction. When you introduce two people, add a fact that helps them start talking.
• Be a word detective. Listen for clues about what a person cares about, and steer toward it.
• The swiveling spotlight. Keep the focus on the other person.
• Parroting. When you run out of things to say, repeat the last few words the other person said, with a questioning tone. They will keep talking.
• The encore. Ask a person to tell a story you know they enjoy telling.

Part 3: Talk like a VIP

This part is about sounding confident and interesting.

• Don't ask "What do you do?" Ask how they spend their time instead. It works for people without jobs and feels less like an interview.
• The nutshell resume. Prepare short, interesting answers about yourself that fit different listeners.
• Kill the quick "me too." When you find something in common, wait before you mention it. It makes the moment more special later.
• CommYOUnication. Start sentences with "you" to grab attention.
• Avoid clichés, avoid teasing. Use fresh words instead of tired phrases. Never joke at someone else's expense.
• Never the naked thank you. Always say what you are thanking someone for.

Parts 4 and 5: Insiders and instant rapport

Lowndes argues that people feel close to those who seem like them.

In Part 4, she suggests learning a little of the jargon and hot issues of other people's fields. Before you meet a group of lawyers or nurses, find out what they talk about. Read their trade magazines. Try something new outside your routine now and then, which she calls scramble therapy, so you have more to talk about.

Part 5 covers rapport:

• Be a copycat. Mirror the other person's posture and pace in a subtle way.
• Echoing. Use the same words they use. If they call it a "problem," do not call it an "issue."
• Potent imaging. Choose examples from their world, not yours.
• Employ empathizers. Show you understand how they feel with full sentences, not just "I see."
• The premature "we." Use "we" early to suggest a shared bond.
• Instant history. Create an inside joke or shared memory from your first meeting and refer to it later.

Part 6: Praise without flattery

Lowndes separates sincere praise from empty flattery.

• Grapevine glory. Praise someone to a person who will pass it on. Praise people hear secondhand feels more believable.
• Carrier pigeon kudos. When you hear a compliment about someone, pass it on to them.
• Accidental adulation. Slip praise into a sentence as an aside, as if it were obvious.
• The killer compliment. Find one specific, unique quality and praise it privately. Use this rarely.
• Boomeranging. When someone compliments you, thank them and return the warmth.
• The tombstone game. Ask people what they would want on their tombstone, then later praise them for that quality.

Parts 7 to 9: Phone calls, parties and the big leagues

The phone section asks you to put your gestures into words, since the listener cannot see you. Use the caller's name, sound happy when you hear who it is, and ask whether it is a good time to talk. Some of this advice, written for landlines, secretaries and voicemail greetings, feels dated.

The party section treats a party as a skill. Eat before you go so your hands are free. Pause at the door and rubberneck the room to see who is there. Keep your arms open. Write notes on business cards right after a conversation, and use tracking: remember details of people's lives and ask about them later.

The final tricks cover influence with important people. Explain what is in it for them, and wait before you ask for a second favor. Keep parties for fun, not tough business. Let people say everything they want to say before you give your ideas. When you make a mistake, make sure the other person comes out ahead.

What the critics say

Readers often praise the book's clear, named tricks, which are easy to remember and try. Critics note that much of the advice is based on anecdote rather than research, and some claims draw on ideas, such as matching a person's visual, auditory or kinesthetic style, that have weak scientific support. Others find some tricks manipulative or awkward if used mechanically, and the phone and office advice is dated.

Who should read it

Read it if you feel awkward at networking events, parties or first meetings and want concrete steps to try. Pick two or three tricks at a time and practice them until they feel natural.