Conversation Casanova

A dating coach's guide to conversation

Dave Perrotta is a dating coach who writes and makes videos for men about dating, confidence and lifestyle. He says he was not a natural at socializing or talking to women, and that he learned through years of practice. He self-published Conversation Casanova: How to Effortlessly Start Conversations and Flirt Like a Pro in 2016. It is short, around 190 pages, and written in a direct, coaching style for men who want to date women.

Perrotta presents the book as a framework rather than a set of scripted pickup lines. His argument is that men fail with women less because of what they say than because of the state they are in when they say it. Anxious, needy men come across as anxious and needy, whatever their words. So the book starts with mindset and only then moves to conversation technique.

The book draws on ideas common in the dating advice industry for men, and some of its language comes from that world. Its emphasis, though, is on confidence, curiosity and real connection rather than tricks.

The Casanova mindsets

Perrotta describes four core beliefs he wants readers to adopt.

• Responsibility. You are responsible for your life and your circumstances. If your dating life is not working, blaming women, luck or your looks will not change it. Taking ownership puts you in control.
• Self-sufficiency. You are enough as you are. You do not need anyone's approval to feel complete. Perrotta argues that seeking approval means living by other people's standards and handing them control of how you feel.
• Purpose. You have a mission in life, and women are not at the top of your priorities. A man with direction is more attractive and less needy than a man whose life revolves around dating.
• Assumed attraction. Assume that a woman is attracted to you until she shows otherwise. Perrotta's reasoning is that many women will not signal interest openly, and that acting as if you are welcome makes you more relaxed and so more attractive.

He also encourages an abundance mindset: the belief that there are many people to meet, so no single conversation carries too much weight. A rejection is information, not a verdict on your worth.

Overcoming the need for validation

One section, which many readers single out, deals with validation. Perrotta argues that many men feel, below the surface, that they are not enough. They chase women, sex and the approval of friends to fill that gap. Perrotta describes the cycle: a date leads to sex, the man brags to his friends, the good feeling fades and he needs the next win. The cycle has no end, because outside approval never fills the gap for long.

His answer is to build self-worth from inside: set your own standards, keep promises to yourself and pursue goals that matter to you. A man who does not need validation from a conversation can enjoy it, take risks in it and walk away from it without damage.

First impressions

Perrotta then turns to how a man comes across in the first seconds. He gives practical tips for projecting calm confidence:

• Speak more slowly.
• Avoid jerky, fast or fidgety movements.
• Smile in a relaxed way rather than with a forced grin.
• Keep a good, open posture.
• Hold steady eye contact instead of looking around.

The point is that body language and voice send a message before any words do. A calm, grounded presence signals that you are comfortable with yourself.

Opening and early conversation

Perrotta describes several ways to start a conversation. He describes four types of opener. A direct opener states your interest openly, telling the woman you wanted to come over and talk to her. His example begins by admitting that the approach is random, and he tells readers to say it slowly so it does not sound rushed. A situational opener uses something in the environment, such as asking a question about the place you are in. He also suggests playful or imaginative openers that create a small scenario.

Once the conversation has started, he gives a simple structure to avoid the job-interview feel of question after question:

1. Assumption statement. Instead of asking a generic question such as what she does, make a guess about her. For example, say she seems like a creative person and ask whether she works in design. A guess is more engaging than a question, and she will either confirm it or correct it with more detail.
2. A closed question. Ask something with a short, easy answer.
3. An open follow-up. Build on her answer with a question that invites a story or opinion.
4. Share. Offer something about yourself: a related experience, a view or a feeling.

The cycle of guessing, asking and sharing keeps both people involved and lets the conversation build.

Moving past small talk

Perrotta argues that small talk about the weather or work rarely creates connection. He wants readers to move into emotional territory: what a person loves, why they made a choice, what they felt during an experience. He suggests open-ended questions that ask for stories and feelings, not facts.

He also wants the woman to feel that you are alike rather than strangers. He suggests looking for shared views and experiences, avoiding contentious opinions early on, and letting her talk more than you. He lists common mistakes, such as talking too much about yourself, interrogating, arguing and trying too hard to impress.

When you do talk about yourself, he suggests telling short stories that reveal qualities such as leadership, warmth, sociability and the ability to handle problems, instead of listing achievements.

Flirting and teasing

The book treats flirting as playfulness. Perrotta recommends light teasing and banter, in which you gently poke fun at something she says or role-play a mock disagreement. He discusses eye contact and touch, saying any touch should be light, appropriate to the setting and responsive to her reactions.

He also covers how to respond when a woman says something challenging, such as a remark about your age or style. One technique he recommends is to agree with the remark and exaggerate it playfully, which shows that you are not rattled. Some reviewers, including other dating coaches, say this technique does not always work.

Finally, he advises asking for a number or a date at a high point in the conversation, when both people are enjoying it, rather than waiting until it fades.

Genuinely liking women

Perrotta closes with a point he presents as the foundation of everything else: the men who do best with women genuinely like and respect them. Conversation techniques work only when they come from curiosity and warmth. A man who resents women or sees them as opponents will show it, whatever his lines.

What the critics say

Readers often describe the book as a clear, easy introduction for beginners, especially shy or anxious men, and praise the mindset and validation chapters. Others find it basic and formulaic, with little depth on the psychology of attraction. Some reviewers say parts of it read like pickup-artist material, and a few call it objectifying toward women. The advice comes from the author's coaching experience, not research, and the book is written for heterosexual men approaching women.

Who should read it

Read it if you are a man who freezes when you want to talk to someone you find attractive and you want a simple structure to practice. Keep the mindset and curiosity sections, and treat the flirting tactics as optional.